If You're Going to Love Me

If you're going to love me, there are a few things I think you should know.

1. The method of self-expression.

I say things backward or not all at once. I've been told many times that it is really annoying, but I never thought it would be a big issue. (Maybe I just never thought about it at all.) I start my stories with the blankest statements and if given the proper response I dive off the chopping block and head straight to the finish line. If I don't get the right response? You get left in the dark, one blank statement and one confused face later.

What exactly is the right answer? Quite frankly, I don't like to waste my story on people who don't want to hear it. If I start off by saying "my roommates are pissing me off" and you respond with an "okay" an "lol" or a "that sucks" then I know to move right along in the conversation, or to end it right there with you and start over with someone else. Most people just go right ahead and assume that the person would say, "Why?" or "how?" and they start off with what I consider the second sentence. (What exactly the roommates did.) I don't like to do that. I give people a chance to decide whether or not they want to know.

2. The moods.

I get into these random phases where I am super sad and I don't know why. I figure this can kind of apply to everyone. With me, I feel like those closest to me should know when these moments happen—the quicker the better. I hate being overly emotional so much that I get emotional whenever I am emotional. Sometimes I delete my facebook, sometimes I turn off my phone, sometimes I walk until I can't anymore, and sometimes I just stay in my room and sleep. I hate being questioned when I am in this mood. Just shut up and give me a hug. I'll get over it eventually.

3. The Conspiracy Theorist

I like talking about controversial, out-of-this world, conspiring, and totally ridiculous topics. I research them. I get excited when other people bring them up. I become very paranoid and afraid. I have nightmares and depressing lack-of-faith-in-humanity moments. I get over it and then I start all over again. If we can't talk about it, then I just ask that you listen. Don't kill my high when I find out something new. Don't call me names or tell me I'm crazy and that I don't need to know anything. Just accept it. I give myself limits when it comes to these things, so you don't have to.

4. The baggage.

Don't ask me too much about my past. It is in the past for a reason. I wouldn't say I've made many mistakes, nor do I have a lifetime of regrets. But one thing I do have is a lot of experience. I've observed a lot of shit things in my short life. I've learned lessons from other people's problems and short-comings. I have also been through a handful myself. Sometimes I might be the one to bring it up. If not, I probably do not want to remember. If I say never mind or don't ask or “I don't want to talk about it,” then let it go. It's not that I need to be "set free" or that I am keeping them as burdens on my heart. I have freed myself from the thoughts and heartache. There is no need to worry. It made me who I am today; so it served its purpose. The deed is done, and so am I.

5. The Writer

As you can see, I write. I love it, I live it, I do it all the time. When I get inspiration and am in my writer mind, it takes me as long as the number of words on the paper to write. If something happens and I decide to write, remiss of where I am or what I was otherwise doing, I am going to write. I am going to write until I am done writing. And that's it. If it can wait, please don't make me lose my thought.

On the same hand, considering my love for language, yes I am a grammar freak. I do walk around correcting people who do not know better as well as people who do, and I feel like it is completely necessary in both situations. I correct in text messages, over facebook, msn, emails, and even in regular speech. This means that everyone has a prospect to be corrected. Don’t feel attacked, and certainly not special. I have even stood corrected myself.

6. The Child

I recall many days where I turn into a big child. Sometimes I even curl up into a fetal position and hug my stuffed animals. I love pretending and feeling like I am young again. I am down for everything from taking the tails off lizards and watching them squirm, to swinging all day on swing sets, to climbing monkey bars, to playing hide and seek, marco polo, hand games, gold fish, red rover, four corners, jump rope, hula hooping, shooting targets with bb guns, fighting as a Street Fighter on Sega Genesis, pushing hot wheels down the hill, building with Legos, catching tadpoles, crabs, jellyfish, shells, starfish—you name it. I even get quiet and bright-eyed, my head filled with all kinds of questions about the world that no one can probably really answer. Don't be alarmed by any random outbursts of song or strong urges to play some ridiculous games. You can be sure, however, that you are safe from embarrassing temper tantrums in public.

7. The Not-So-Girly-Girl.

I love acting silly. I jump around. I do weird dances. I try to sing. I talk to myself. I try to make people laugh. I paint my toes in different colours. I rarely brush my hair. I take long showers. I love to swim. I walk with my head down. I hate chick flicks. I take lots of pictures. I worry when it's not necessary. I ask questions I already know the answer to. I have moments of super low self-esteem. I am meticulous. I have a firm appreciation for the simple things.

I may look like a "girlie girl" but I like to hang with the boys. I love the tomboy me way more. I love hunting, fishing, going to the range, watching rallies, exhibitions, dexterities, and football. (The one with your foot, that is.) I love being daddy's little girl.

I don’t work out often. I never call people. I hate text messaging. I give my inanimate objects a name. I watch Disney all day, and Nickelodeon all night. I've never seen Titanic, the Notebook, The Wizard of Oz, the Sound of Music, Love and Basketball, Jurassic Park, King Kong, or Sesame Street. I am shy at times and outgoing at others. I can be extremely quiet or extremely loud. I am not always right. Sometimes I am friendly and other times I am not. I am quick to criticise and quicker to complain. I love learning, swimming, eating, and sleeping. I drive with the windows down so I can feel the wind on my face. I like when people play with my hair. I've spent many nights crying without reason, and far fewer laughing until I cry. I have plenty of female friends, a handful of brothers, and an even larger amount of "family."

I smile when I'm happy and when I'm sad. I laugh when I am upset and get quiet when I'm pensive. I get angry and then I quickly get over it. I eat too much and I eat too little. I love Jamaica more than I should, and shun America even when I shouldn't. I could spend every day of my life at the beach in Montego Bay, and every night of my life in a house on the hills. I sleep more than I party and I party less than I could. I have a drawer full of bathing suits and I'm forever going to buy more. I save my money when I should and spend it when I shouldn't.

I am 19 years old. I am human. I am in college. And I am full of flaws. I may not know the key to success, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Take me as I am, or have nothing at all.