Apples in A Bunch

It's unfair, insulting, and perhaps a little childish to allow one bad apple to spoil the whole bunch.

But let's face it, it's human nature to generalise and group and label. It's how we apply logic to mostly illogical and inexplicable behaviour. It's how we armour up and prepare ourselves to more intelligently battle the same demon that overcame us the last time. (Plus, let's be honest here. It's usually way more than just ONE bad apple.) 

Still, as much as I hate being one of "those people", this cruel, cruel world has finally pushed me over the edge and into the sea of misery where no one is to be trusted and smiles simply cover up inner turmoil. I was invited as a plus one by my friend "company", whose invitation I had been ignoring for quite some time now. 

But grief is the name of the game. 

A person can only handle heartbreak so many times before he/she decides to take full control of his/her affairs of the heart. If you've been an avid reader of my blog, you should know how I feel about emotional pain. (Substitute for a broken leg? I'll even take menstrual cramps for 500. Please?)

Hence, I have made the unfortunate yet necessary decision to take control. And by "take control" I mean to build a wall so high that not even Humpty Dumpty would climb it. (He'd probably fall off anyway so it's probably a good idea for him to stay away. Maybe go to the gym? No pressure.)

Now, I'll be the first to call myself out on this and say how ashamed I am to see myself relapse this badly and do exactly what I try to tell others not to do, but I think I've suffered enough emotional pain this year for a lifetime. And quite frankly, I've had enough. It can't possibly hurt me anymore than how I've already been hurt to take a little time to refocus and regroup behind my impenetrable wall. It will be far too hard to do so with people coming in and out of my sanctuary at will, disturbing and destroying everything on their way out -- and sometimes, most times, even blocking the damn entrance. 

And yes, the wall "also keeps good out", not just bad, but I'll take my chances. The probability of the next penis-weilding person to come in only for the purpose of causing a raucous with his narcissism and ADHD is probably far greater than its more selfless, cautious and dedicated opposite. 

Plus, how else will I be able to see who cares enough to climb it?

Dear You.

You'd probably never believe me if I told you that my life has been nothing short of a soap opera this year, judging by the inactivity on my blog.

You probably would also not believe that this has been one of the worst years of my life. 

When I say the lowest of the low ... It's no exaggeration.

The. Absolute. Pits.

It's the kind of stuff that would make for good television -- or at the very least, a few good blogs. But for some reason, I just couldn't get myself to ever open up a page and start writing. Certainly, after the last two blogs about heartbreak, there has been plenty more where that came from -- among other things. And truth be told, it makes me feel extremely pathetic. 

But who wants to sit around writing every day about how pathetic and worthless they are? 

Not me. (You want me to write about Feelings? I'll pass.)

I'd rather write about exciting new developments and positivity and growth (after all, I have been a Miami City Hall reporter for more than a year -- and not the sleezy, sensational kind).

Hence, my last post was about Trayvon Martin. And I wish I were here today to begin down that path of "exciting new developments", but really I came here because, well ... I am on the verge of explosion. So I guess it's time to let it out. (Some of it, anyway. The easy stuff.)

How many times does someone have to treat you like utter rubbish before you finally realise that maybe they aren't right for you? And when did I become THAT girl? The pathetic one who's clinging to something that would rather leap into a piranha's mouth than reach back a few inches?

When did it get this bad, and how, for God's sake, do I make it stop? 

I've got plenty of other things I could be focusing on right now (like finding a job) than this nonsense, AGAIN.

If you don't know how to think ahead about the consequences of your current actions, or how to not say what you don't mean or won't mean in a week ... Then please keep your actions and your bullshit as far away from me as possible. You saw me sitting here alone, quite content. So just let me be. I don't go out of my way to reach out to any of you and I don't see what pleasure you get out of interrupting my solitude with commitments and promises you don't intend to keep. Spare me.

I promise I can do without it.

I've really had enough dream-selling for one year. So the next time you get the urge to save me from myself with lies you think I want to hear, don't.

Because, Justice

I know some of you have probably been waiting for this post.

And honestly, I'd be lying if I told you I had all intentions of writing it.

I never got fired up about the Trayvon Martin case, even though I was 15 minutes away from the incident when it happened -- even though I drove right past the Sanford police department after it happened to go to the homeless shelter and volunteer, and even though they cancelled the volunteering another day because of protests.

Some of you may call this ignorance, indifference, insensitivity ... and maybe, partly, you'd be right. I never got involved in the hoopla of the incident because well, I thought it was a no-brainer. I never thought it would take this long for a verdict, and I certainly never expected that verdict to be "not guilty." (Also, I don't like getting involved in "race" arguments.)

That, was my bad -- for not knowing the law, choosing to stay ignorant, and putting my hope in man.

I was stupid for thinking that the legal system in place was backed by morality.
I was stupid to think that in 2013 the value of a human life is standard across the board and is worth more than gun laws.
I was stupid to think that mankind is still capable of exercising proper judgement.
I was stupid to think that anything about this "justice system" is just.

But when that verdict was read, it took American society back about 100 years. The entire case took society back about 100 years.

Nothing about that case was designed for Trayvon Martin to even stand a chance from the very beginning. A dead man tells no tales, but little does he know, he was on trial for his own murder.

I hate pulling the race card, and anyone who knows me or reads my writing should know that. But how can I look at this case and not see colour? How can anyone tell me that the reason George Zimmerman approached him in the first place is anything other than racial profiling? Shit, I'm guilty of it myself. I moved up here and inherited the subconscious racism that is so embedded in American society that it is almost seen as a natural intelligent form of "cautious." Black person walking around at night? Trouble. Non-black walking around at night? Just a person who felt like taking a walk. (In case you didn't know racism is prevalent in Hispanic culture as well. So this bit about Zimmerman being Hispanic, spare me.)

It's disgusting.

And so, a full jury of women, most of whom have children, could not even find it fitting to convict Mr. Zimmerman of manslaughter. It was too much punishment to face for killing an unarmed boy who you decided to chase, because you were trying to prevent another neighbourhood break-in. Even though if GZ had never pursued him, Trayvon would still be alive right now. No harm would have been done. But that's besides the point right? Because he had to defend himself against someone he ran after.

"What kind of world would we have to live in anyway, to have seen GZ offer Trayvon a ride home that night instead, to get him out of the rain?"


... Let that marinate for a little ...


Honestly though, I wasn't as appalled at the fact that GZ knew the law and manipulated the incident so that he could get off with a not guilty verdict. That happens every day. I wasn't even appalled that he was found not guilty.

What makes me sick and not want to be a part of this world any more is the fact that there is even a law in the first place that allows you to get away with things like this. Stand your ground? Do you know what that law allows? It allows you, as the aggressor or initiator of a fight, to use deadly force against the person with whom you picked the fight once you start losing.

It says, and I quote:

"a person is justified in the use of deadly force and does not have a duty to retreat if he or she reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another or to prevent the imminent commission of a forcible felony"

And for an aggressor:

"the justification described in the preceding sections of this chapter is not available to a person who initially provokes the use of force against himself or herself, unless such force is so great that the person reasonably believes that he or she is in imminent danger of death or great bodily harm and that he or she has exhausted every reasonable means to escape such danger other than the use of force which is likely to cause death or great bodily harm to the assailant; or in good faith, the person withdraws from physical contact with the assailant and indicates clearly to the assailant that he or she desires to withdraw and terminate the use of force, but the assailant continues or resumes the use of force."

That is what George Zimmerman's defence used to get him off for killing an unarmed 17 year old boy with skittles in his pocket, who he decided on his own to pursue. Or at least, that is what they would like us to believe.

At face value, we are all equally disgusted by the events that have unfolded. All of us are sick that a man was allowed to kill a child for nothing at all - a child who was doing nothing but walking in his own father's neighbourhood. His father, who pays his rent (or mortgage) just like everyone else in the community. But behind the scenes, there is a lot more to it than just that.

The NRA is bigger than Trayvon. That organisation runs this whole country. And in the aftermath of this travesty, I beg you all to PAY ATTENTION. Incidents like these are used to take away our rights, all of us. By using emotionally driven tactics, such as the never-ending race issue, the powers that be are distracting you and I from the real agenda - from whatever the real law is that they want to pass, with an innocent life as the price to pay.

This is the sickening and frightening world we live in.

And btw, for those of you screaming out "black people kill black people every day, so let's talk about that", you make me sick too.

Crime happens. Obviously. Yes, people die every day all over the world. None of us is denying that. But murder is murder. And all of it is wrong. So if you're going to make that argument, then why do we have laws anyway? People break them every day all over the world, right? Might as well we just get rid of all order then huh?

I tell you; social media and the Internet can be the devil. Not everyone deserves to have a platform.