Tuesday, 23 April 2013

93 Million Miles From the Sun

Time to yourself
Time to be selfish
That's why you never fought for it
At least that's what I thought you said
Time to focus on your other needs
Find you, without me
So I never thought you'd have this up your sleeve

I thought you needed to put the pieces of your broken spirit back together
And something like that was hard to do in rainy weather
Seek shelter
Work on being better
Try to seek out your own pleasure
Not another hidden treasure
Or someone better

But I guess that's just how life plays out
It's harder to find it when you actively seek it out
Hard to find the love we speak about
And dream about
When we feel we cannot do without

But it turns around when you're down and out
People seem to come around about
The time your soul starts reaching out
Not when your mind is screaming out
And full of clout

So I guess that's how it happened
You moved on to her
And, I started rapping
You helped me open up my mind and let the sap in
Express myself in a fashion
That let's other people grasp it

And in the end I know we'll both be ok
I can tell already I'm on my way
To finding back those happy days
Letting the love in my heart light the way
No more doubt and shades of grey
No more clouds to take the sun away
No more reasons to be afraid
So in spite of all the noise you made
And all the lies you gave
All the negative things you had to say
I still appreciate
You, for making me this way

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Good Hearts Cannot Be Broken

I never ever wanted to do this.

But enough people have been telling me to let these feelings out the best way I know how, so here's to a few moments of vulnerability and frailty in prose.

The gloves are off, the gun is buried in a shallow grave outside and there's nothing around except me and this mirror. No shots being fired, no more fighting alone -- just me and a couple weeks of emotional reflection in front of a mirror at home; showing me the person looking back at me is someone I hardly know, or recognise. But in a good way.

I've made a lifestyle out of running away.

That is what I've been told, and I guess it's true. I've spent my life living in unrecognised fear of what I believe is one of the most powerful parts of the human experience: love. I've been afraid of love all my life, though I still somehow manage to get others to love me. When it comes close, I push it away. When it seems too far away, I reach out for it -- hoping I can always keep it close enough to keep me warm, in preparation for the inevitable day when I fear no harm, and finally feel I can grab it, fully, and never let it go.

Last year I took a couple steps forward; steps I thought were leading me in the right direction. And for a while, they were. Until I hit a roadblock at a force that was strong enough to push me further back than where I had originally begun walking.

When I got back on my feet to prepare myself once again for the journey ahead, I realised ... I was alone. Alone, but in recognisable territory that for a while made me feel comfortable. For a while, I felt that maybe it's just where I belonged -- except as I looked around and felt a sense of solace in the familiar things I saw and felt, I noticed I was walking backward.

I hadn't gone too far. But by the time I ran back to where the road was blocked, to where I thought I saw you waiting for me, you were gone. I was alone again. Just me and my road block.

And that is when the rocks began falling.

Brick by brick they came crashing down on me. The wall that had stopped me before was falling apart, right in front of me. And not until I was able to wipe my tears long enough to clearly see did I realise ... it was you who threw them at me.

You took my roadblock apart and turned it into a million stones; finding ways to pelt me with every one so each struck a different part of my soul.

It hurt me for a while, some bruises still linger. But eventually, lately, I realised, you cleared the way for me, using the same stones that had once enclosed me. Then you took them with you to rebuild your own sanctuary.

And even though sometimes I still feel used, ashamed and hurt. And even though sometimes I still find my vision obstructed by the water in my eyes, and still resent you for giving up before trying ... Had it not been for that journey, my reflection would still be the same, my road block would still keep me where I thought I was to remain, and my path would still lay before me, unpaved.

Eventually, all the pain and anger will subside, and I'll be able to bring the sunshine with me as I continue down this unexplored path, hopefully walking with someone more willing than you to share the journey with me.

But in the mean time, while I sit here waiting for these bruises to heal, and for heartache to not be the only thing I feel, I just want to say: thank you.

Monday, 15 April 2013

What Matters Most?

In continuation from my last blog, I was thinking about what I had written about people working harder for what they can buy than what they can feel, when it hit me.

I finally realised the problem with our society today, from where I sit of course. (Not that I didn't already have an idea, but now I can break it down for you.)

We live in a world where people who are more interested in personal growth, discovery and human interaction than career paths and money-making pursuits are mostly chastised and not taken seriously -- if they aren't celebrities of course.

It's like from birth we have it ingrained in us that the most ideal person to be is one who has a definite money-making goal. So, we spend our lives focusing on and working toward that goal and by the time we are old enough to think for ourselves, we don't even know who we are or what we want ... or why we even want it.

I ran into an old friend of mine at the mall last weekend and in the middle of our small talk she cracked a little and began telling me that she feels empty and is trying to figure out her path in life -- all the while I was standing there thinking 'wow, so it's not just me.'

After we had finished talking and I walked away, I started thinking about all the people in my age group who I know are going through that same crisis, and I can't help but think that this is the reason why. We have been forced our whole lives down the path of going to school and getting "educated", which takes up at least 16 years of our lives, and then somewhere in the next 4 to 6 years, or more, we are left to "figure it all out." But by then, we are so lost that we don't even know where to begin. If some weight had been put on personal development and reflection throughout those years, however, then maybe we'd have a better grasp on ourselves and how to interact with people.

And maybe some of us wouldn't be such inconsiderate selfish assholes. (Bitter statement, I know.)

This is just a theory, of course. But think about it. How often do people these days work hard for love, happiness or peace? How often do you meet someone who wants to "be a good person" when they grow up? How many people actually want to go to college just to be a more knowledgeable individual?

I'm going to go ahead and guess and say not very often and not very many. The truth is, we don't put a lot of weight on being good, kind-hearted people any more. Not by a societal standpoint anyway. (I mean, it's not like prevention is better than a cure, right?) We don't take the time to develop our personalities; learn what we like and don't like; learn how to interact well with people; learn how to deal with tragedy and disappointment; learn that loving is natural and starts with self; learn how to make ourselves happy so that we can in turn make others happy also; learn that we are actually built to receive pleasure from giving to others.

Instead, we are taught to be selfish under the guise of "independence"; rude under the guise of "being real"; and valueless under the guise of "being free."

And honestly, I think that is the biggest tragedy of this world. 

Friday, 12 April 2013

Material for Your Material

I feel like what you are about to read is going to make absolutely no sense all together, but I have been walking around for a couple months now with a tremendous variety of emotions inside that pose as carbonation in a soda can. Shake it up, and it will explode. Leave it be, it will sit there forever.

Here's to opening it carefully and taking a sip..

Let's talk for a minute.

How is it really possible that creatures with the innate ability to think, analyse and reflect, do everything but that? The mind is one of the main things that separates us as humans from the rest of the animals in this universe, yet there are so many people out there who don't utilise its abilities.

People are just walking around from day to day like robots -- programmed to get up every day and go to work, programmed to watch TV every evening, programmed to follow what every one else is doing, programmed to chase money as the source of all things wonderful and shiny.

That is life as they know it. Get a little living in between paychecks and then die. But make sure that before you die, you drive a nice car to work. Because FYI, your car can fit into your coffin. And then, you can drive it around in your after life. You and all your ghastly buddies can take joyrides in it to impress ... all the other soul-less people who will exist wherever you are. (And, luckily for you, there will probably be a whole lot of people to choose from.)

I mean come on people. You really think there is nothing else to life besides working and spending money?

That can't be life. It can't be. I refuse to believe that.

Yet for some people - it is. They  have made it that way. Some people literally will work hard for nothing else in this world except that little piece of paper that they think makes them who they are. It's funny though, when I think about it. There are so many people who claim they want something that isn't materialistic, yet they refuse to work for it. Because at the end of the day, all it is, is simply a claim. They will work forty hours a week for something borrowed and fleeting, yet they won't put any real effort or genuine energy into true felicity and peace. (You know, the intangible things that "distract" them from their sacred dollar signs.)

Those intangibles that will at least make the ride in that Ferrari F12berlinetta a little bit less lonely. The ones that make that space in your heart a little bit less empty.. And the feeling behind your smile a little bit less forced.

But, I digress.

It takes all kinds of people to make up this world -- I just hope that when you are 60 years old and have grown tired of sleeping beside your bag of money and kissing your Michael Kors purse good night, that all the things that are important to you now will still be important to you then.